Disarming Injustice: Unconditional Acceptance
There is a big difference between stoic acceptance and resignation. Cultivating the ability not to be driven crazy by life's obstacles, disappointments and setbacks does not mean that you do not seek to change what you can change. - Arianna Huffington
Have you ever asked yourself why life is so unfair? There seems to be war, suffering and injustice everywhere you look. It even starts in kindergarten. When Luke sets up his marble run for 15 minutes, he naturally wants to be the first to try it out. But then Thomas comes along, who Luke doesn't like at all. He has the audacity to put colorful marbles on the track himself! Instead of marbles, tears start to roll (down Luke’s face). In view of this blatant injustice, Luke immediately turns to his caregivers to make them punish Thomas for his inexcusable offense. But to Luke's horror, his judges of good and evil only have the words "Share your toys with him!" in mind. On this day, Luke realizes in the most painful way: the world is not fair.
We are certainly all familiar with a situation like the one Luke experienced. For most of us, it may not involve playing with marbles, but the feelings are similar. From the small injustices of childhood to the more serious experiences of adulthood, throughout our lives we are often confronted with situations that seem deeply unfair. Be it the loss of a loved one, unrequited love, a serious accident or a natural disaster that destroys everything we have built. These moments make us despair and raise the question of why such things must happen.
Unrequited Love : A Personal Anekdote
I myself fell madly in love with a girl in my circle of friends a few years ago. I felt this love very strongly and could practically think of nothing else - but unfortunately this love was not mutual, because she already had a boyfriend and was not interested in a romantic relationship with me. During this time, I suffered from my feelings more than ever before in my life. I didn't even want to be in love with her because I knew she wouldn't return the love. It also made my existing friendship with her so much more complicated. It was a very stressful time for me, during which I had practically no desire to live. I felt abandoned by life and wished I didn't exist rather than having to endure this heartache. Sleeping and somehow distracting myself from my feelings was the only thing I wanted to do. My life was holding me captive and I just couldn't see a way out.
I found myself in this emotional hole for several months. The days were gray and covered in a sluggish, heavy haze. The despair grew because I just didn't know how to get out of it. I had so many questions running through my head. Why do I have to have these feelings? Why does she have to already have a boyfriend? Why can't I stop longing for her so much? Why me? What have I done to deserve this? I could think about my situation for so long, but it didn't help. The situation was what it was and there was nothing I could do to change it.
Even though a part of me really longed for it, I still couldn't give up completely. Don't get me wrong: there were many moments when I just thought my life sucked so badly, when I couldn't find anything positive in it and when I just wanted the whole universe to cease to exist. But after such moments of suffering, I always came back to the point that my life had to go on somehow. Over time, I realized that just wallowing in my self-pity and hatred for my situation wasn't working. I had to keep trying. I just had to find a way out of this darkness! Gradually, I realized what that would mean.
In the beginning, I preferred to suppress it rather than deal with it. But at some point, the lack of alternatives in my situation left me no choice. I had to face up to my feelings for my secret admirer, and that meant confessing my feelings to her. This thought scared me more than anything else and I didn't even really know what it would change. However, my gut feeling told me more and more intuitively that it was the right step for me, no matter how much I was afraid of it. And so I stepped into my fear and decided to confess to my friend how my heart was feeling.
The conversation felt like it lasted an eternity and it took me a long time to get to the point. Looking back, I'm very grateful that she took so much time to listen to me, because I think it was more than obvious what it was all about. But taking my time was exactly what I needed. Every time I was about to open my mouth, the fear and shame of emotional exposure put a stop to my attempt. I felt so much stress in that situation that I can still remember what the moment felt like for me at the time. I can still remember the yellow light from her living room lamp, the table we were sitting at and the smell in her apartment. Eventually I managed to jump over my shadow. The words came over my lips as if in slow motion - and then suddenly they were all said.
I was quite surprised. In the weeks before, I had repeatedly thought about the possibility of confessing my feelings. But when I became aware of how fearful the consequences of such a confession would seem, I then immediately buried that possibility deeply in my mind. However, what I encountered when I finished my confession to her, had nothing at all to do with those fearful premonitions. I didn't feel ashamed. Nor did I feel exposed or rejected (at this point I would like to emphasize as well that I am very grateful to that friend who simply accepted what I had said without making a big deal out of it and without commenting on my feelings). On the contrary, I was actually relieved, because now my feelings, which had been suppressed for months, were finally being given space! A heavy burden was lifted from my shoulders, which allowed me to breathe again! I could finally look at that friend again without getting nervous. I was amazed, because nothing had really changed. My friend still had a boyfriend and wasn't interested in a romantic relationship with me. But expressing my feelings had somehow given me back the freedom and lightness that I had longed for in vain for so long. What also surprised me was the fact that I felt much less attracted to that friend once I told her how I felt. After some time, I had practically no romantic feelings for her at all anymore and our friendship felt as easy as ever.
Disarming Emotional Pain: Working With Unconditional Acceptance
What helped me here in my seemingly hopeless situation, as well as in other personal crises, was to stop doing what I had been doing the whole time. For weeks I had resisted the feelings that were alive inside me. I wanted them to go away, and that's why they stayed for so long. When I finally accepted them and spoke out about them, all the difficulties associated with the feelings virtually vanished into thin air. This experience gave me a different perspective on how to handle my feelings and emotions. When I researched emotions, I often came across the fact that "emotion" means nothing other than "energy in motion". After the experience described above, I definitely agree with this. My emotions move through me like a river. It is important that I do not get into resistance with them and do not block them, which is like a dam in that river. Because then the feelings stay there and don't dissolve by themselves. Just like the feelings I had for that friend. I resisted them and blocked them, which kept them in my system for months. I also experienced them in an unpleasant, extremely stressful way. Because the love for that friend was originally nothing more than a deep admiration and appreciation of the beauty of her being, which is usually a pleasant experience, right? I think it is comparable to a bush of roses that blossoms with all its vibrancy in spring and is therefore for many people one of the most beautiful things of all. If you simply let the rose bush be a rose bush, you can enjoy its scent and its sight. However, if you resist the rose bush and try to push the roses away with your hand (like unpleasant feelings), you will only prick yourself on their thorns and hurt yourself.
The secret to dealing with injustice and other emotionally unpleasant difficulties lies in meeting them with unconditional acceptance, with unconditional love. Every feeling has its place, is a human part of us and should be allowed to be there. It is important to grant every feeling this space for its own and to give it sufficient expression. Both the pleasant and the unpleasant feelings such as frustration, anger and despair, as I had experienced because of resisting my own feelings. These emotions are also allowed to be there and be felt, so that their energy can move through our body and leave it again. In short: every sensation, every feeling, every content of our inner consciousness should be allowed to be there. But what does that mean? What does it mean to meet every unpleasant feeling with unconditional acceptance? Is it to simply sit by passively and let everything happen to you?
No, that's not what it means. Unconditional acceptance of things does not mean that you should not take action if you feel that you or others are being treated unfairly or that someone needs your help. Acceptance does not mean resignation, rather the exact opposite: it means acknowledging an emotionally difficult situation for what it is, not running away from its discomfort and not burying your head in the sand. Then you are able to look forward and make the best of it. Then you won't get stuck on things like wallowing in self-pity, sinking into cynical bitterness or remaining in a passive state of mental resignation. True acceptance empowers and uplifts you, leading to a positive reality of life. Fully accepting a negative experience itself is a positive experience because you are no longer bothered by it. It's not always easy to do this, but it's worth trying again and again! It will fill you with love to meet your own feelings with unconditional acceptance, because your feelings are a part of you. And who doesn't want to be accepted for who they are?
Photo by Patty Brito on Unsplash
Thank you so much for reading this blog post! I'm delighted to be able to share my thoughts with you. I would like to invite you to do the same and write a comment! See you in the next post!
If this post leaves you interested in more, you can subscribe to my blog to be informed about new publications.
I’ll see you in the next post! Have a nice day!
And remember: You’re loved!